I would really love to know when my “love life” is going to stop SUCKING so tremendously. If my love life were on match.com, it would probably be paired up with the U.S. economy or Donald Trump’s rug or war or heroin or… something else that sucks a lot. I’m not going to be demanding or impatient or anything; it doesn’t have to be right this minute, but it would be nice to have a little idea of when the sucking will cease, so I can write it in my planner (I love writing things in my planner) and have something to look forward to.
How do I get dumped by someone who we all thought was crazy about me but who I wasn’t even really into but was trying to be into because he was nice to me and my friends said he was a nice guy and that I should “give him a chaaa-aaance”??! Guy was just trying to sucker me into having sex with him yesterday, so I’m confused as to how we shifted from super-seduction-sex-faced “please stay? i really want you to stay” to super-serious-sad-faced “I have something to tell you.” I swear, the first and only thought that exploded in my brain was, “holy shit, he has AIDS,” so I guess I’m lucky that it’s just some other virus–the Love Bug for some other chick. Deadly.
Then there’s the guy I have been heavily scouting for a few months who had a girlfriend of nearly 3 years but recently broke up with her (a fraction of the decision was allegedly driven by me). I really know how to pick ‘em, that’s for sure. So he’s finally a free agent, but I shouldn’t pounce too soon, right? Isn’t there an incubation period needed to nurse the fragile post-break-up egg? Yes people, I thought so too, but when I suggested that we give it time to sink in and settle, he protested, insisting that he waited long enough and wanted to spend time with me. I giggled, ignored my better judgment (which is hard to come by, so I need to start taking advantage of it when it’s around!), and spent a great evening with him–he cooked dinner, we drank wine, walked through the city, nuzzled each other in a cozy bar, I spent the night, he made me my favorite breakfast in the morning, I even used his TOOTHBRUSH for Pete’s sake (who is Pete, by the way?)…
…and then things got weird. He feels weird. Wait, what? You do? Oh… okay, should I feel weird too? Wait, why are we feeling weird again? I thought you said you were ready to move on…
He says that the situation is new and different. He didn’t expect to feel confused; he was just so caught up in wanting me. He doesn’t want to go back to his ex-girlfriend, but he misses the little things like calling to tell her about what happened during the day. He wants to see me next week for lunch and coffee. We should take it slow. Maybe a sleepover wasn’t the best idea yet. He doesn’t regret it, thought. I do. Am I supposed to be mad at myself for not playing it smart or at him for being confused and dragging me into it?
Not sure if this has anything to do with anything, but I had a dream last night that my ex-boyfriend and I were gettin’ it on in his basement and his mom (who still calls him a pet name suitable for a 4-year old and who cried when we wanted to go away for a weekend together) walked in on us. The reason she came got suspicious and went downstairs was because I left my dress strewn across the living room floor. I think my dream was taunting me about how careless I am. In any case, that was the most awkward dream since… well, since the one I had where my dad caught me having sex in our driveway.
